


insanity { when life weighs down too hard on your shoulders and you can't close your eyes in fear for the demons. }

by SHINeeNAilee



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Bisexual Spencer Reid, Does have two throwaway lines of potential noncon (aka what happened in Mexico) and drug addiction, Goes through s12-13., M/M, Mentions of PTSD, Mentions of other ships (one-sided), Spencer Reid-centric
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-02
Updated: 2020-08-02
Packaged: 2021-03-05 21:26:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,630
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25662076
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SHINeeNAilee/pseuds/SHINeeNAilee
Summary: Spencer has a crush on Luke and about a collective three hours of sleep for the entire week. It's not a great combination. (Or is it?)
Relationships: Luke Alvez/Spencer Reid, Spencer Reid & The BAU Team
Comments: 6
Kudos: 145





	insanity { when life weighs down too hard on your shoulders and you can't close your eyes in fear for the demons. }

Spencer has worked with coworkers while having a crush on them before -- Elle, J.J., Emily, Rossi (when the line between crush and hero worship had been very, _very_ , thin), and Spencer has never been blind to how attractive his other team members are, but, for some reason, none of them _distracted_ him like Luke did. It wasn't that Spencer couldn't do his job (he could), and it wasn't as if he stuttered while talking to Luke like he did when his attraction to Elle first hit (he didn't), but Spencer couldn't help the fact that every time he glanced around a room, his focus headed to Luke first, not anyone else, not even if they were speaking. It also didn't help that Luke was easy on the eyes and didn't seem to mind when he rambled on about anything at all. 

Judging by the smirk on J.J.'s face when she had asked Spencer about how he thought about their new team member, she'd caught his habit. Emily had told him straight out that if they got together, she didn't want to know as a boss but definitely wanted to know as a friend. Rossi had clapped him on the shoulder and gave him a wink as he had said something in Italian that Spencer desperately wished he didn't understand (Curse him for wanting to learn Italian after he knew both Rossi and Emily knew it). Even Lewis got in on the action, making a comment about Luke's ass when they two of them were alone in the office, causing Spencer to choke on his coffee and spill the rest on his pants. 

(Garcia didn't notice, but Spencer was pretty sure it was because she was trying to ignore Luke as much as possible rather than any inability on her part to see the obvious. After all, she had read his attraction to Seaver just by the slightest raise of his tone -- she could read Spencer as best as the rest of them.) 

Before Spencer could even think about managing his crush, prison happened. And that... changed things, as much as he didn't want it to, as much as he told Adams that it wouldn't. 

He stopped looking at Luke first -- stopped looking at anyone, really. Kept his head down, pretended like he didn't hear the way that "Maeve" whispered to him, sometimes, when he slept. Wished that going to prison and the torture Adams specifically chose for him didn't blast all of his weak points right in front of his face -- and, even worse, in front of the team's face. Wished he didn't notice how Emily sometimes watched his hands to see if they'd shake, wished that her worries weren't accurate in that he should be watched even as John told him that he was stronger than his pain. 

Simmons was a great addition to the team -- a calm, collected one, one that didn't know any of Spencer's baggage and one that didn't seem to have any sort of judgement on the new Spencer Reid (that no one has, technically, really met), but not one that Spencer could let himself feel close to right now, not with his PTSD flaring again, not when he can't sleep for more than two hours a night on a good day, _again_. Thankfully, he isn't snapping at Simmons as much as he did Emily, all of those years ago, but it's a very, very close thing at times. 

The team's on a case, but they're all back at the hotel because all they can do for now is wait, and Spencer can't help but rub at his left eye, headache pounding in the back of his head, as he sit on top of his bed, waiting for Luke to finish in the bathroom. He hasn't slept in days, and his room partner -- Luke -- probably knew it despite the fact that Luke has definitely been getting sleep. His head hangs into his hands as he rubs and rubs, as if that's going to help at all. 

"Hey, you okay?" A voice -- Luke -- startles Spencer out of his thoughts. He didn't hear the bathroom door open, preoccupied with the pounding of his head, and he raises and turns his head quickly and tries to look at Luke normally as if the motion hadn't just darken his vision exponentially. 

"Fine," he says in a high tone, and then he self-consciously lowers it into his normal range because he knows that's a tell he has. "I'm fine. Are you done with the shower?" And then he wants to hit himself for asking an obvious question: if Luke wasn't done with his shower, he wouldn't have come out of the bathroom, and he usually doesn't ask questions like that. 

Luke makes no comment on that, or points out his obvious lie, and instead nods. "Yeah, I'm done with the shower; you can go for it now."

Spencer makes his way to stand up to take a shower, but the lack of sleep and only having about ten cups of coffee and maybe half a bagel causes his vision to darken even further, and he stumbles and reaches out, hand thankfully landing on something particularly sturdy to help catch himself. He's pretty sure he hears a panicked "Spencer!", but that's something to catalog for later, when he isn't in danger of passing out due to orthostatic hypotension. 

By the time his vision clears, Luke's standing in front of him, hands reaching out but not yet touching him, which Spencer is thankful for. He's not quite sure what he would have done if Luke had touched him when he couldn't see -- probably hit him, and that wouldn't have been great of him. His vision clearing, and the fact that Luke is standing in front of him, allows Spencer to get a clear view of Luke, and he suddenly realises that the other man is shirtless, all of his muscles on full display. That crush? The one that had been stifled by all of the recent events? Suddenly hit Spencer back like a freight train, and it's with difficulty that he drags his gaze to Luke's eyes, which were filled with worry. 

"You sure you're fine?" Luke asks, a hint of humour in his voice that just barely pokes through the uneasiness. If he was trying to keep his tone neutral, it wasn't working, but Spencer could forgive that considering that he nearly just did a header in front of the other after trying to rise from a _bed_. 

"I'll be fine after I get some sleep," he amends, even if that's not entirely true either. He _does_ need sleep, but he probably (definitely) needs food too. Luke stares at Spencer a little bit, as if trying to read the lie out of his voice, before he nods, stepping back a little bit, and Spencer probably shouldn't feel like that was a loss considering that they weren't even touching (or together. that's important too). 

"While you take a shower, I'll grab you something from the vending machine -- pretzels and water, right? That's what you usually snack on when you haven't eaten all day," Luke says, offering aid without outright taking control of the situation, and it was just so Luke and exactly what he needed that he didn't even think, just stepped forward towards Luke, grabbed his cheeks, and pecked him on the lips in gratitude. 

It's perhaps exceptionally telling of his mental state that it wasn't until he took a step back a few seconds later that he had realised what he had done, and Spencer's eyes widen as he waves his hands frantically in front of the bemused continence of Luke in front of him. 

"I'm -- I'm so sorry, I'm pretty sure I'm technically legally insane, I should have asked permission first, I would have if I was in my right mind because I don't kiss people I like out of nowhere, and I'm, I'm so **_so_** sorry," he rambles, stumbling over his words in what feels like the first time in years. Mainly because he's just so panicked he can't even remember the last time he did such a fucking terrible faux pas. 

He can see Luke physically hold back a comment, and he wonders if this is finally when he gets punched by a team member. (Hotch kicking him twelve years ago didn't count; that was for a case). It'd be well deserved -- he shouldn't have taken that liberty, and he doesn't know why he did either. That was just... He doesn't act like that; he's always asked permission before kissing or _anything_ , really. He doesn't just... take unless the other person's body language reads that they wanted a kiss, and Luke's hadn't. It had just read worry and then he did that, and he wouldn't be surprised if Luke wanted to change rooms with Rossi or Simmons or maybe just get Spencer fired because that'd be deserved. 

"Okay, we're... going to come back to this later, once you've eaten something and slept for any time longer than five hours," says Luke, which isn't what Spencer was expecting at all. The worry in Luke's expression melts slightly through the twitch of his lips as he says, "But, if you _had_ asked, I wouldn't have said 'no'."

Spencer blinks, tilting his head slightly as he wonders if he hallucinated that (or is misunderstanding, or just, anything that would make that comment and those implications not real), and Luke's smile blooms into a grin as he walks past Spencer to leave the room. Seeing that grin... it takes Spencer five minutes to remember that he was supposed to be taking a shower because he had been struck still by the warm thought that Luke wanted _him_ too. 

**Author's Note:**

> No, Spencer's PTSD did not magically go away with his crush on Luke. He was just at a different place where he could actually feel it, but he's not at 100% and wouldn't be just because he got into a relationship because that's not how PTSD works. 
> 
> This was literally supposed to be a basic kiss drabble, and then it turned into this. Also, I hate endings forever, so sorry it ended weak.


End file.
